Self-sabotaging Your Love Life?

Whether you’re currently in a serious commitment, looking to pursue, playing the field or just living your best life watching Netflix and indulging in your weekly Chipotle (like me, haha), we all could use a little perspective to see where we are scoring or lacking.

Here are three ways that you’re deliberately self-sabotaging your love and dating life.

I’m not one to put huge emphasis on the negatives, but if we spend majority of our lives sugar-coating situations to soothe our egos, then we are doing a pretty bad job of truly liberating ourselves. The biggest disservice to ourselves is fabricating truths and self-sabotaging. I’m easily reminded of relationship impair, when I watch He’s Just Not That Into You and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. I tell myself: maybe it’s human nature to want to see things for ourselves, with the possibility of ruining it altogether. When you think of all your failed friendships, dating prospects that backfired, and shoulda-coulda-woulda’s, you have to ask yourself: Am I the one getting in my own way?

1. You’re going off of one-sided feelings.

Trust your gut. And trust the logistics. Save all the second-guessing for middle school. Of course, most things aren’t completely black or white—but most of the time, true intentions are painfully obvious. There’s always that illusion we feed off of. We take one-good detail and turn it into a larger than life phenomenon. It can be as easy as the barista you’re crushing on, asking you out for lunch. In the back of your head, it’s this super cozy chic date. To him, it’s just his 2 o’clock lunch break. The lunch date is going pretty well. Well, duh, it’s lunch. But, of course you’re already planning out the next date, how he’s going to officially ask you our to be his girlfriend, and the infamous new relationship reveal on Insta. I know, it sounds childish, but its so common.

Get rid of your one-sided feelings, and stop assuming you’re on the same page. Why? Because your assumptions amplify your feelings to the point of no return. The best advice I can give is that if someone was really into you/down for you, you wouldn’t have to exaggerate the reality of it all. There would be no big mystery or a never-ending game of second-guessing.

2. You’re rushing into things.

Sometimes, you just have to chill. Thanks to The Bachelor, all those ‘00s rom-coms and the fact that individuals would rather dive into a relationship than work on themselves, explains rushed romances. There is such thing as forcing a connection, and it can brutally sabotage what could be. Once you rush into something there’s no going back, and it creates a list of uncertainty, issues and insecurities. There’s nothing wrong with organically taking your time with new prospects and potential counterparts. If anything, it should be the new norm. If you’re not protecting your heart, worth, time and body, how can you expect someone else to automatically value those things for you?

One day I was talking to a group of guy friends about dating. One mentioned he always shows a sign of affection, especially a kiss, even during the first date. “It’s like a token or confirmation that I’m into you,” he explained. While everyone moves at their own speeds, you have to do what makes you feel empowered, self-aware and comfortable. Intimacy, rushing into things, and the honey-moon stage can cloud your judgement. It can also cloud the longevity of the relationship. There is no official timeline for relationships, but rushing six months worth of a relationship into two weeks, is setting yourself up for lots of emotional episodes and the possibility of losing yourself in the mix.

3. You want perfection…from every single prospect.

The thing to remember is not everyone you talk to, or briefly date is the one. Once you wrap your head around that reality, the pressure to make it work, fades away. There’s a beauty in not every potential thing working out. Making peace with that saves you from chasing, embarrassing yourself and over-extending your self-worth. Some things are just not meant to be. “It was so good in the beginning,” you’ll vent to your friend. What you don’t mention is how you spent half the time forcing it, and doing too much. One of the funniest things I can remember is when a friend of mine followed all her flirting tips and dating advice from a magazine. If anything, the article she was reading from should’ve been labeled ‘How to Lose A Guy, Immediately.’

Turning on the charm and trying to overly impress every prospect that comes your way is not necessary. And trying to mold a prospect to your standards is too much work. The energy doing all of that can easily go towards elevating yourself. Sigh. The perfection you’re chasing after, can be invested in your long-term dreams and life desires.

Be the love, muse & light of your life

There is a beauty in just taking things day by day. At different times in our lives, we crave companionship and real connections. To love, is human nature. There’s nothing flawed about genuine love. But we have to remind ourselves to not force it. We get so stuck in our heads, letting feelings lead our minds, to the point where our reality is fabricated. Sometimes we rush into connections, and it does nothing but disappoint our perfect expectations. Be mindful, that while you may manifest and craft certain lifestyles and wavelengths, not everyone automatically will fit into those boxes. And you easily defeat yourself when you assume someone new will be your wifey, or prince Charming, by default.

Erase those patterns!

You owe it yourself to stop sabotaging your heart. Make decisions based off facts and truths. Follow that intuitiveness, that you sometimes ignore. Stop convincing yourself to rush into things, just because you’ve been programmed to start at rapid speed. Lastly, leave perfection and fairy-tale dreams for the rom-coms. I’m not saying to let go of your standards, I’m saying to be smart and conscious.

Reclaim your power, now!